For some reason I felt the need to write. I thought maybe now would be a good time to explain my departure from personal writing and the growing difficulties and dilemmas I have had when posting for the last 2 years.
I had started writing blogs at 16, I had this little blog on Windows Live Spaces. It was not much but was a fun distraction after a long day. I was free back then to be unimpeded with my thoughts. I can no longer do that anymore.
I slowly found there were things in my life I no longer wanted to share; I didn’t feel happy, I didn’t feel funny, I just wanted to be left alone. The truth was I started to hate blogging and what it stood for, I wanted to write, in a way, to escape from the burdens of my life. Its escapism that attracted me to writing in the first place. When it came to writing on a personal level, it required me to write about the very thing that I would like to escape from.
To make myself relive experiences would only cause discomfort; no one would want to vicariously relive these moments, even fewer my age could really conceive them.
Blogs by their very nature can make you sound self conceited I started to think anyone who wanted to read what some 20ish year old guy had to say about the little life he had, should probably tell him to get over himself. It’s why I was relived when my Live Space blog was taken down, it saved me the hassle of hitting the delete button myself.
In the 6 to 10 months to follow though, to my surprise, I started to get emails and a text message, from strangers who used to read my old blog. Asking if I was okay, what happened to me, was I going to write again? Huh?... I always thought how pathetic my later blogs got no comments. I didn’t think anyone was really reading towards the end, let alone cared for my wellbeing. I was deeply humbled by my exchanges with each of these individuals but explained I just didn’t want to talk about my life anymore.
It was at this time I might add the whole Facebook generation was in full effect, It had become so easy to find out who I am and what I do; that I just had to go through so much anguish, just trying to think of everyone who might read about me. How would I come off to these people?... Why did it matter? All I knew is I had no clue how I fit in? I ended up distancing myself from just about everyone.
Part of growing up is making hard choices that go against popular opinion. It’s freeing to let go of these hang-ups and social barriers. I created this blog to be totally impersonal by comparison, here I was never afraid of coming off as total goof ball. In fact I enjoyed it for that reason. It was the Philosopher Epictetus who said, “If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.”
What’s always attracted me to writing is finding that eloquent combination of words, "that one true sentence." Sadly my life has become so consumed by working two jobs, there is little else that constitutes as a constructive or creative use of time.
My job, being a topic in itself, too long and laborious to include here and even I can’t begin to extrapolate what Id want to say. It doesn’t help either Id have to watch what I say so closely to ensure its not predicated as some corporate attack or this blog could end up being very detrimental to my career and me in the future.
Although obscure, this should begin to explain slightly why I have been away and why I am now not as open to talk. I have always been private, at times my blog was only way anyone would know anything about me. It’s been an arduous couple of years working full time, paying bills but at this time I’m in good spirits and looking forward to going on a desperately needed holiday.
Wishing I could take you all with!!!
